Sunday, September 3, 2017





You rent the veil
And all I see,
--Yet all else pales!--
A blinding light
Has shown on me.

I hear the words
I had not known,
--The speech of birds!--
Of windy trees
And clouds far flown.

You bow so low,
So sweet, so near,
--That I may know!--
Through whispered words
In language clear.

Your secret thoughts
Of love to me,
--Had I forgot?--
You are All
And All in me.

Brave is
As brave will be,
--No lower path was His!--
No lesser love
Can set me free.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Dry bones.

Unanswered prayer is exhausting.  After years and years of no answer to the same plea, I decided that it was either too big or too insignificant for God. Hope is painful when you're being ignored, so I stopped praying.  I scrambled for a workable narrative, a framework that contained all my conflicting beliefs that wouldn't collapse; but I had become old, dry bones, fallen along with faith into the dust.

God asked Ezekiel, "Can these bones become living people again?"

Nah.  I was done.

Life had become a soul-grinding act of willful steps with no particular goal but to keep moving because there wasn't a viable alternative.  I would simply live for a semblance of earthly comfort.  Something, please.  A moment of blissful ignorance, a short reprieve--always of course with the knowledge that this would be as good as it gets.

I'm reminded of those plastic holders for 6-packs of pop that get yanked off so the cans are freed, and then get tossed into the trash.  Eventually they make their way into the ocean and become deadly collars around the necks and wings and fins of sea animals.  There they remain forever because animals don't have hands and plastic doesn't dissolve, slowly strangling the life out of the poor hapless head that has floated into its noose.  Unless it's rescued by someone with scissors, the only thing it has to look forward to is wiggling around a little to relieve the pressure and hopefully forget for a moment the inevitable.

I was driving down Main Street yesterday and for the hundredth time I was stabbed with guilt because my friend's mother had died while I was away and I had never contacted her because I was too busy tending my own wounds.  I went by her street several times a day and tried my best to push away the conviction that I was the worst friend ever--knowing that I was the worst friend ever.
The silence from her end of town was a resounding clap of guilt.  I knew I had added to her sadness the realization that I--her friend--was selfish and uncaring.  Suddenly my heart broke open in an anguished prayer of  pleading for her, and contrition over how I had increased her burden.  It was short and in the universe of billions of prayers, it was a small prayer.

My phone blipped.  My screen flashed.

It was a response to an ad I had placed in our neighborhood sale site to get rid of 3 over-the-door towel hooks that I had bought for our new house, but couldn't use.  Our  doors are 9-feet tall and I couldn't reach the hooks unless I got on a step-stool--and I mentioned that fact in my ad.
  
My friend, her husband, and their two children are unusually tall.  Like as in, wow, these people are really tall.  My remarks made her laugh at the thought of me needing a ladder just to reach my bath towel, and so she decided to "like" it.

Glory.

My hand fumbled for the phone and it fell into the crack between the car seat and console--the car's favorite black hole.  Ha.  Oh no, you're not stopping me.  My knuckles got scraped when I crammed my hand into the space, trying to fish out my phone, but I was oblivious. I knew that when I picked up that thing my friend would be there.

Now, unbelieving soul, suspend incredulity for just a few minutes and listen to me:  DISbelief can call it random, but in this case the rational mind is invited to see a hand, one wielding scissors, that with a quick and painless snip, released my soul--bam--and allowed life to flow again into my dry, dead bones.

Just like in Ezekiel's field, God said,

"Dry bones, listen to the word of the Lord!  Look! I am going to put breath into you and make you alive again!  I will put flesh and muscles on you and cover you with skin.  I will put breath into you, and you will come to life.  Then you will know that I am the LORD.

There was a rattling noise all across the valley.  The bones of each body came together and attached themselves as complete skeletons.  Then as I watched, muscles and flesh formed over the bones.  Then skin formed to cover the bodies, but they still had no breath in them...This is what the Sovereign Lord says:

Come, O breath from the four winds!  Breathe into these dead bodies so they may live again...breath came into their bodies.  They all came to life and stood on their feet--a great army."

That's what it took.  It took the dismantling of my skeleton to recognize the healing breath of God.  For my faith it was required first to experience a deep, dark unbelief.   That seems to be God's way, and to some it may seem cruel, but ask that drowning sea turtle, unwrapped from a sea of garbage, that dolphin liberated from the fisher's nets, whether the joy of freedom is deepened and intensified because it was preceded by being hopelessly trapped.  No one is more grateful for new life, more joyous, more devoted to their rescuer than those newly formed bodies.

They turn to the source of renewed life and follow after forever, because they have come back from the dead, are standing upright on their feet, an army, a multitude of dried and reconstituted souls.


Saturday, January 28, 2017

Lions or Kale?












"God saved Daniel in an astounding way, inspiring generations of people to grasp the reality of God's control over the material world, and the extent to which He is willing to show His involvement in our lives."


 

To prevent lions from doing what is in their nature to do--eat you--is a miracle, and Daniel was chosen to experience it.

But being thrown into a den of lions seems a strange follow up after what Daniel had already sacrificed for God: "Don't eat the food from the King's table.  That stuff is bad for you.  Tell him you want vegetables instead."  Seriously?  He's offering the best, most sumptuous delicacies that man can produce and You want me to turn them down and eat kale?

It would require far too much will power on my part to pass up the tasty food the king was sharing from his table.  He was eating steak and baked potatoes and Chicken Kiev and pasta with Alfredo sauce and strawberry shortcake with ice cream for dessert.  Every day.

It seems to me a sort of irrelevant, dispensable kind of choice that isn't important in the scheme of things, especially when you're locked up in a dungeon.  I would think it excusable if Daniel hadn't listened.

I would have convinced myself that God wasn't really saying that I had to give it up.   Life is already hard enough. The business of conjuring faith for the big stuff takes up all my emotional and mental capacities and stretches me to my limit, so don't get picky about the little things.  After all, a lion is in my future, so give me a break.

But it's more complicated than that and there's a lot more at stake: if Daniel refuses the King's food, it's an insult.  He could be executed for such a rejection.  I say, all the more reason to call out, "Where's the beef?"

 More than that, eating from his table demonstrates complete loyalty to the king and no other.  Daniel can't allow that.

His response?  Please pass the broccoli.


Self indulgence doesn't result in getting thrown in the lion's den, however. In fact, God isn't going to gain anything from doing it to me. He will get no honor because I will get eaten and everyone will watch it happen and jeer at God. My faith muscles are flaccid from lack of use. I haven't accepted the preparatory work of being conformed daily, minute by minute, listening and obeying in the little things, and I would not be able to rise to the occasion. For that kind of trial, God needs someone who has changed at the cellular level through subtle checks, through willingness to listen and obey in the small things, crucifying doubt and indolence and self-soothing.

When it comes to a lazy conscience, the reward is a dull heart. Waking up in the morning to a minor key. There is nothing tangible to blame for the missing spark in my heart. There is where I abide, in murky, purposeless, vaguely depressed dis-ease. I ask myself what I have to be unhappy about and I blame a thousand little grievances imposed on me by life--and I become a victim.

Really though, all I have to do is go back to the beginning. Where have I had little, stunted, midget faith? Where have I refused God's ministries in the little choices? When have I been lazy and self-absorbed? When did I slip from the higher road onto the lower?

I get something out of tuning out God's voice--I must--because when he gives me a tiny nudge, like when I wake up in the middle of the night and He tells me to stop watching The Walking Dead, I do it anyhow. Choosing to NOT watch is just a little hard. The Walking Dead is exciting in its shock value, in the suspense of a human-chomping zombie bursting into a quiet and defenseless moment. Over the years of ignoring God I have become inured to the horror of graphic violence and immoral behavior. It has become entertaining. And besides, what will I do to fill my time otherwise? I can't conceive of anything that will achieve the same result, which is oblivion for a little while. Suspension of thought, transference of unpleasant emotions, a state of fugue born of effortlessness.

In fact, this is the frame of mind that I find repugnant in others. I tut tut over people who refuse to rouse themselves to the smallest accomplishment, only to end up wallowing in a flat feeling of lethargy and futility. Mediocrity is a choice--we can't blame it on anyone else but ourselves. And yet, there go I.

11Corinthians 11:2 began today's nudge from God, telling me that it is essential to God that I hear Him in the tiniest moments, at the most insignificant times, in each case not to be ignored, ever.

"I am jealous over you with God's own jealousy" says God. His jealousy is extreme. It is caught up in the most singular of moments--because every moment is singular to Him. One is not more important than another. Each one presents a choice, which has a consequence, and He wants to guide me in every one of them in order to bring about the outcome that is in my best interest, and that keeps me protected, alive, nourished, strong.

What I understood today is that the question is not how do I know God's will for me. He's telling me right now that I can live His will because He is informing every choice I make, second by second, and I can choose it or refuse it. Where Daniel was going to end up didn't really matter to him. He wasn't looking into the future and asking God what His plan was for his life--Daniel was doing what he already knew to be God's will. God had started with "don't eat that," and because Daniel listened, God said, "eat this".  Because his will was in alignment with God's, he didn't have undefined moments, unintentional stumbling into negative circumstances, whining over consequences.

 There was a lot at stake for Daniel too, because we all know what could have happened in the lion's den.

I don't think there is as much at stake in my life as there was in Daniel's, because I don't think God is going to repeat that particular miracle. It really was a one-time event, not to be compared to any others. Besides, it's too reminiscent of the crunching and squishing sounds in The Walking Dead--it's just not feasible in my world. Who knows what's in store for my future? I just know that I can't dismiss those little moments anymore as inconsequential, because they determine it. There IS a lot at stake for my life and if I haven't learned anything else today, I hope I learned that.

Right now, today, I have God's will for my next moments. He told me what His will isn't, and it isn't to space out on tv. So I won't do it. Then He wondered whether I might like to write down these things that He showed me today, so I'm doing it.

After this, I think He wants me eat pizza out on my back porch, in the sun, quiet and content. Unless, of course, He tells me differently. The cool, very cool thing that I learned today is that He will.